many (some?) years ago, i had decided that i wouldn't need to go beyond 28 if i wasn't happy by the time i got there.

i turn 28 this weekend.

and i'm actually doing worse than i was for the last couple of months. insane, really, but honestly, funnier.

is this a sign?

i don't think i will act on it. there's a lot of work to do. there's weddings to attend, there's EMIs to pay up. there's fun projects to complete. there's people who will cry if i'm gone. i care too much to put them through this. perhaps they're right and healing does happen in waves. you think you've learned to hold your ground, until the sand beneath your feet moves away. you're pulled further into the water and honestly, sometimes, it's far less resistance to just give in.

i miss being in Goa. it helped me feel so connected to this world even when i was sober. i miss the feeling that there's so much more life, so much more time, so much more hope.

i had grand plans for Q1 of this year, which are now in a mess, half-baked, semi-fried, but i cannot give up on them. i need to build that trust in myself.

sometimes you choose to go on, simply because its easier than the other choice. you live in whatever capacity you can. the reasons come to you once in a while. first is the body — maybe you need more Zinc and Magnesium, maybe you needed a snack, maybe you just needed some sleep. caring for the body relays such wondrous effects to the brain, it really baffled me the first time i tried it long enough for it to work.

then, comes the soul — friends who love you, friends who get visibly sad if they see you hurting, friends who hold you and everything feels worthwhile for a bit, hearing your family laugh, your lover burying their hands in your hair. people that truly make you feel you're a part of their existence at the very core.

i ate butter garlic prawns, they truly brought me back to life. i keep thinking of them and the thought alone generates some serotonin in me.

mildly funny that out of everything, i chose this to be the first blogpost. emo kid for life, truly. please don't report this to mental health personnel/facilities. i promise i'll be fine.